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Why Someone Would Want Brian Hoyer: A Tale of Fiction

Immediately following the record-setting preseason game between the Cleveland Browns and the Detroit Lions, rumors began swirling of a possible trade between the Houston Texans and Cleveland. Houston, after all, is in dire need of a franchise quarterback so, logically, they would turn to the team that hasn't had a viable franchise quarterback since before James Dean was dead.

So the Houston Texans called Jimmy Haslam and inquired about taking Johnny Manziel.

(Wait, what? Are you sure? Him? Oh, wow. Okay, then.)

I'm sorry. Turns out they called about Brian Hoyer. Because why the hell not?

The moment the Cleveland Browns drafted Johnny Manziel, Brian Hoyer became expendable. Although, to everybody outside of the 216, Hoyer was expendable far before then. The guy has started in less NFL games (4) than seasons he's been in the league (5). He's thrown for, on average, 0 yards, 0 touchdowns and 1 interception, every season. He has accrued a grand total of four NFL game minutes and has more hairs on his head (0) than he does fans (-a thousand).

Yet he's been mentioned, on more than one occasion, as being a possible franchise quarterback for the Cleveland Browns.

Hoyer has been this crazy enigma, shrouded in mystery and wrapped in the unknown, since he arrived in Cleveland on May 16, 2013. At first, it was just a depth signing. After all, back then the Browns had Brandon Weeden, their 56-year old franchise quarterback of the future, getting ready to lead them into the promised land.

But then Hoyer got his chance and, boy, did he make the most of it. Filling in for a drastically injured Brandon Weeden, Hoyer defied the laws of the universe by winning a game as the quarterback of the Cleveland Browns. Then he turned around and did it again, beating Cleveland's interstate division-rival and 49-time World's Ugliest Helmet winner Cincinnati Bengals.

All of a sudden, that "depth signing" became a "franchise quarterback." Maybe Hoyer is a diamond in the rough. Maybe he's destined for a Len Dawson-esque "if at first you don't succeed" story.

Then the big man upstairs realized what was happening and sucker-punched Hoyer in the ACL, effectively ruining what could have been a great story worthy of being converted into a terribly inaccurate Disney movie. If Hoyer hadn't been Nancy Kerrigan-ed, who knows what may have happened. Hoyer spent the entire 2014 offseason rehabbing, ready to prove to his hometown fans that he is, in fact, franchise material.

And then the Browns drafted Johnny Manziel and the big man upstairs once again took a steaming dump all over Hoyer.

And Hoyer has been an absolute champion through this entire situation. While Manziel has been talking to the media and having intercourse with inflatable swans, Hoyer has been almost throwing touchdowns. While Manziel has been jetting off to Vegas to practice his dollar-rolling, Hoyer has been staying in Cleveland and practicing his check-downs.

So, naturally, the trade winds would start swirling. Unfortunately, they're nothing but hopes and dreams. After experiencing a quick surge throughout multiple media outlets, the Brian Hoyer-to-Houston rumors got shot down faster than a Malaysian Airlines flight. According to  some guy named John McClain, who happens to phonetically share a name with one of the most badass men in history, Houston won't be trading for Hoyer anytime soon. And that makes sense. After all, Texans head coach Bill O' Brien has a penchant for big, statuesque, Howitzer-armed quarterbacks and not tiny, bald, albino quarterbacks with a water pistol for a right arm.

Now, what we have going on in Cleveland right is akin to two monkeys trying to hump a football. Neither the grisled, (in)experienced vet nor the pimple-faced wunderkind has taken a strong grasp of the starting quarterback position. A Hoyer trade would have at least forced coach Mike Pettine's hand. Unfortunately for us, we're stuck for another couple weeks wondering which savior will lead the Browns to a Cinderella  6-12 season.